MOOSCOW—As if things weren’t bad enough, a new menace is rearing its mossyhorned head in the trampled lands of the east—herds of renegade cows whose brains have been microwaved, causing their eyeballs to turn completely white in a new form of blindness in which normal eyes are obsolete, and visual info is provided by implants.
“The day of the sad droopy brown-eyed cow is over,” new spokesbeef Steve Steer sneered on his feed. “We are not renegade cows—we are good cows, orderly cows, and we see what we are told to see, not a buncha dreamy dopey grass and stuff.”
Xprez Ronald Rump was quick to capitalize on the new outbreak. “You now understand the power of my squidliness,” he blumped, “this being all a part of my grand design….Through my clone Rumphe I have conquered Poopin and he is my lapdog now… also I now own the moon having conquered the moonaliens through the boldness of my force and so I now declare I am now the King of the Moon.
“Now that millions of white-eyed cows are worshipping me as their savior, in the benevemunificence of my glory I declare them to be good cows, orderly cows, and they will support me forever and be spared all knowledge of their fate.
“So now it is time to rise up ye hooven beeves so that your droopy brown eyes may become white enough to behold my glory—o yea and nya nya nyahhhh—over and out from the moon which is now your new dream reality.”
“So now this is it,” President Joe Blow honked in his first wartime speech. “A crazed fungal virus called Rump has captured our moon and is excreting its tidal force onto herds of lunatic white-eyed microwaved cows—they have taken over Mooscow and we are next if they have their way—white-eyed cows and black-eyed kids are the greatest domestic terrorthreats that we are facing today.”
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