WASHTOWN—In major newsglog, President Joe Blow addressed the nation to clarify plans for the summer:
“It is time we rededicate and redirect ourselves towards the new and the original dream of the United States of Aquaria, freed from the taint of Murka.
“Murkans would have you believe that we are a failing nation floundering in their murk, when in fact we are the shining dream of Aquaria, now and forever.
“The leader of Murka is of course Ronald Rump, the once and future stain on the fabric of our democracy—the obnoxious skid mark that we have thankfully now laundered, but whose fungal DNA lives on in the clones he has disgorged to run for his second term in office.
“By now most of you have heard of the withdrawal of clone Robert Rumphe from the race as he announced his gayness and his love and new nuptial negotiations with gay angry-inch strongman Voldemort Poopin (“Rump and Poopin go together like white on wedding rice,” he pooped.)
“So now I am announcing here tonight that I will debate remaining clone candidates Donald Turnip in June, and the brand new DJ-4547 cyboclone in September.
“Be there, it will be wild.”
Analysts give Turnip little hope of survival, but are worried about the AI and cyborg enhancements that might make the DJ-4547 a more formidable opponent. “On the other hand,” one staff chief wagged, “if Rumphe is marrying Poopin partly to get new software and AI tech for the 4547, he is doomed to discover that Soviet architecture is not the only aesthetic crime of which hubby is guilty—all their tech is equally crappy and obsolete.”
Trenton Trint»»»»»»»»Backsyllabus