YANKTOWN—New details of what has become known as the “Catch and Kill Case” are causing a major stink in the courts of The City That Never Sleeps.
The rapacious scheme involving former president Ronald Rump and National Inquisitor publisher Peter Pecker was centered on a series of pre-election incidents in which random women were caught and cloned, then killed and eaten by Pecker and Rump.
“You catch them, you clone them, you kill them, you eat them,” Pecker piped. “Then you make enemies—unless you replace them with a new and improved clone with state-of-art implants. It’s called Joystick Strategy, where everybody gets laid and paid and now you have made new friends.”
“This is a clear case of semi-human blobs ravening and feeding on us,” prosecutor Elvin Meatbag scowled in opening remarks. “These sick savage sadists are guilty of covering up their cannibal murders by disgorging cloned implanted pod people onto an unsuspecting world, then claiming that these replacements are an improvement over their original victims. This is a sick sad world.”
Pecker has of course been granted immunity, and in his new tumescence is leading prosecutors on a deep dark dive into the slimy and fetid world of Rump.
“We were fat and sassy then,” Pecker drooled in limp defeat. “We decided to reach out and get more involved in mainstream society.”
“By killing and eating your victims??”
“That part came later—the big banana was to get a new clone happening—then they get the implants and they do whatever you want.”
“Defendant Rump is a semi-human blob; an adjudicated virus who escaped from an alien prison on the moon and has returned to re-infect and wreak havoc on decent society,” Meatbag pummeled. “He has failed every gag reflex test and should be returned to the moon at once.”
“May I remind the Court,” Rump AI attorney Ted Blank blared, “that President Rump is immune from precedent, having declared his godhood in official statements long ago. He is the leading candidate to serve as new instrument of wrath carrying out divine order of gene pool reduction and rehabilitation, and must therefore be obeyed at all costs.”
Justice One Machine is expected to disgorge a reality ruling before the next full moon.
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